Relational Trauma
What It Is and How to Begin Healing
Let’s take a breath together, because if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re exploring something that feels tender, personal, and maybe even a little confusing: relational trauma.
At its core, relational trauma is what happens when the people who were supposed to care for us; parents, caregivers, partners, friends, cause us emotional harm instead. This harm isn’t always dramatic or loud. Sometimes, it’s the subtle erosion of safety over time: not being seen, heard, or valued. It might be growing up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable or unpredictable, or being in a relationship where your needs were dismissed or your boundaries ignored.
Unlike trauma from a single incident, like a car accident or a natural disaster, relational trauma tends to happen over and over again, often in close relationships. It can start in childhood, but it doesn’t always. Some people experience it later in life, through emotionally abusive romantic relationships, friendships or colleagues. In more recent times it’s been referred to in relationships where narcissistic abuse is a feature. What makes it “relational” is that it occurs within the very bonds where we expected connection, safety, and love.
How Does Relational Trauma Show Up?
Relational trauma doesn’t look the same for everyone, but there are some common signs. It’s possible you’ll notice that you struggle to trust others; even people who seem safe. Or maybe you find yourself either pulling away from relationships or clinging tightly, terrified of being abandoned. Sometimes, the trauma shows up as intense self-criticism, anxiety in relationships, or feeling like you’re “too much” or “not enough.” Another way is through pleasing and appeasing others; and not noticing your personal boundaries.
You might also have a hard time identifying your own needs or feelings, or you might find it difficult to express them. It can feel safer to keep the peace, even if that means silencing yourself. These are not flaws in you; they’re survival strategies you developed to protect yourself when connection felt unsafe.
Over time, these patterns can lead to chronic loneliness, relationship struggles, or even physical symptoms like fatigue, muscle tension, or digestive issues. That’s because our nervous systems remember what happened, even if our minds try to move on.
What Does Support Look Like?
The good news, really is that healing from relational trauma is possible. And while no one else can do the work for you, you don’t have to do it alone.
Support can take many forms. For some, therapy is a life-changing starting point. Working with a therapist especially someone trained in trauma or attachment-focused therapy; can offer you a safe space to be seen and understood. A psychotherapist won’t try to “fix” you, but instead help you gently unpack your story and build new ways of relating to yourself and others.
But therapy isn’t the only path. Support might also look like joining a trauma-aware support group, where others are navigating similar experiences. It could be opening up to a trusted friend who listens without judgment. Or reading books and listening to podcasts that help you put words to what you’ve been feeling. These steps can help you realise you’re not alone, and never were.
Healing from relational trauma often involves learning to feel safe in your body and your relationships again. It’s about reconnecting with your emotions, learning to set boundaries, and finding your voice. This is slow, gentle work, and that’s okay. You’re growing.
What Might the Healing Journey Look Like?
Imagine, you start noticing your reactions in relationships with more curiosity and less shame. Instead of blaming yourself for needing reassurance, you begin to understand where that need comes from. It’ll feel more possible to practice saying “no” and surviving the discomfort that comes after. You’ll begin to trust your gut again. You learn to comfort yourself in the moments you feel triggered, and you discover new ways to connect with people who respect and value you.
Some days will feel like progress, and others might feel like setbacks, but even those hard days are part of the healing. Throughout this process, you are unwinding years of conditioning and rewriting what love and connection can feel like. That takes time, and it’s worthy work.
If you take one thing from this, let it be this: You are not broken. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. What happened to you was real, and it mattered, you matter. And healing is possible; not into some perfect version of yourself, but into someone who feels safe in their own skin and connected to the world in a new, authentic way.
So be gentle with yourself. Start small. Reach out. There is support waiting for you, and there are people professionals, peers, maybe even friends you haven’t met yet; who want to walk this path with you.
Get In Touch With Us
If you’re ready to begin your healing journey, we’re here to support you with compassionate, trauma-competent therapy in Birmingham or online. Reach out today to connect and take your first step toward improving your life satisfaction.